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Humor Column

Our humor columnist has a budgeting guide for all your adult expenses

René Vetter | Contributing Illustrator

After forgetting to track her spending habits, our humor columnist is struggling with finances. But she’s not worried, even after spending $500 on her pet fish, Froot Loop.

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I’ve noticed something interesting lately. Not just on campus, but everywhere.

Did you guys know that living as an adult is, like, kind of expensive?? It’s not just fun stuff either, like the Nintendo Switch I saved up for or the Squishmallow I impulse-bought last week at Target. Apparently, bare necessities like food and clothes are also quite the pretty penny! This week, I have to pay something called a “utility bill?” What do you mean the lights cost money? They’re lights. Who am I paying, Thomas Edison? I can’t leave my TV on all day when I leave the house? This is absolute bull-honky, and you can quote me on that.

I’m not a fan of the fact that things cost money, thank you very much. I’m sure that you, dear reader, are not either. So, in the spirit of giving, I want to give you all a very useful, completely free, extra-special guide to budgeting.

The first rule of a good budget is to prioritize. By this, I mean make a list of all the things that are most important for you to spend on. For example, your budget priorities may look like: 1. Food, 2. Rent, 3. Health Care. And mine may look something like: 1. Those Cool Looking Pants I Saw, 2. Nothing Else. That is perfectly OK! Everyone’s spending goals look different. Sure, you may have a goal to have good credit and enough money for a down payment on a house in a good neighborhood, but I want to wear those cool pants.



It’s also a good idea to plan for unexpected expenses. This could be anything from a surprise doctor’s office visit to a car accident. Let me give you an example from my life that happened just the other day. I was walking down the street when I got a call from my roommate: apparently, my pet goldfish, Froot Loop, had broken his fin! I rushed him to the vet and got him taken care of. It cost me a fortune, too. Did you know that the going rate for broken fin treatment is $500? And Froot Loop is insured! Overall, it was very stressful, but I’m glad that I was able to use that month’s grocery money to take care of my beloved Froot Loop. Because, truthfully, who actually plans for emergency expenses?

I also recommend keeping track of your spending habits with an app or a journal. I personally do this every day. Or, at least, I did. Before I lost my spending journal. Now I just spend money and hope that everything pans out in the end. On second thought, maybe I should start looking for that journal. Eh, it’s fine.

Overall, making a budget is hard. If you haven’t quite mastered the skill like I have, that is perfectly OK. Not everyone has the financial literacy that I do. After all, last week I used an ATM all by myself. Pretty advanced stuff. A piece of advice? Just spend your money if you really want something. They can just print more, right?

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