You know that guy who takes intramural sports way too seriously? I mean that guy who is the self-appointed know-it-all who can play any position because he was cool and played sports in high school?

There’s one on every intramural team that you’ve ever played on. He’s sporting the mouth guard, the high socks and the Nike sweatbands. He has the bag full of all the equipment that he used to dominate high school sports and won’t hesitate to regale you with the stories of how he was the MVP of the all-star game.

That person is me. And those Nike sweatbands really do the trick.

I’ve always loved sports: I played three varsity sports in high school. Then I came to college and, as did every other freshman, added booze, dining-hall food and late-night Jimmy John’s to my diet, and immediately added 15 pounds to my former finely chiseled physique.

Now I’m expected to compete athletically on sporadic weekend mornings when I’m still feeling the after effects of the night before. This would explain why literally half of the scheduled softball games in my team’s league ended in forfeits. It’s time to fix the system, and who better than crazy intramurals guy to do it?

The first thing we need to solve is the forfeit problem. No one really wants to wake up, kick his or her one-night-stand out of bed and rush over to campus to play softball, football or whatever sport all those nonathletic people play.

I take that back. That would actually be one of the less awkward ways to get him or her out of your room.

Aside from all that nonsense, the regular students would be more inclined to actually show up if they were allowed to play with a campus “celebrity.” Celebrity is used here in a much broader sense, seeing as Syracuse isn’t exactly Hollywood. Get guys like assistant men’s basketball coach Gerry McNamara or a member of our esteemed dance team to play. Select those people at random and just put one to each team.

I will wake up at 6 a.m. if it means I get to play with someone on the dance team.

This next suggestion is something that I will try and start a movement for. You’ve just scored the game-winning touchdown to clinch the championship for your frat, and now it’s time to celebrate. You know what you really want to do: give the best damn post-game interview ever.

There’s only one problem — intramurals get zero media coverage. When I make the greatest catch that anyone has ever seen to ensure a softball victory, I would love to tell someone that “I’m going to Disney World.”

But alas, I never get the chance. I’m not suggesting the entire campus press corps drop everything and cover intramural athletics, but the occasional segment about sub-amateur sports would be great.

Usually I’m the most competitive guy around, but I have an idea that would get rid of all animosity between teams, and even between players and umps. Let there be beer.

How could a player be mad at an ump if, before the argument gets heated, the umpire or referee hands the player a Bud Light? Honestly, it would make the game much more interesting. Change the game so there’s a keg at each base and you have to chug a beer before advancing, or that the defense must chug a beer before blitzing. Everyone would be much happier. It would also give your leadoff hitter an excuse for striking out three times in slow-pitch softball. Maybe not even excess amounts of alcohol can excuse that, but you get the point.

So let’s grab a keg, the dance team, the closest reporter and the high socks, and play some intramural sports. Beerball counts, right?

Brett Fortnam is a senior newspaper journalism and political philosophy major who will be unemployed in seven months. His column appears every Thursday until there are enough complaints to make him stop. He can be reached at bpfortna@syr.edu, but he will not respond.

Published on October 11, 2012 at 2:57 am